you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
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