I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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