its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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