I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
