please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
