i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
