Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
