youre lurking in front of me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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