We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You were trust falling into bushes
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
