Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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