The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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