Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
