I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
