My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
