Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
