I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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