So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
