I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize