i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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