My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
