Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
