seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
