he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
