Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
there is glitter all over my balls
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
