I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
