So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
