im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
