I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he was CRYING into my vagina
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
