we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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