Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
