i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sober January is a disaster.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
