I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
