I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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