Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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