Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
