I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
