I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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