She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
not ubering you a puppy
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
