You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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