she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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