I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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