I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize