At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
