Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
