im having a threesome with these popsicles
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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