My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
