is your mom at the bar?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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