I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
