Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
