I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
