So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
