I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize