This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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