Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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