I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
